Curtis Cunningham on technology, music, dogs, and life.

A number of things happened to me recently that made me think long and hard about how I sound when I play, how I feel when I play, the kind of music I play, the notes I choose to play when I play, and even why I play drums at all.

Here are some highlights I’ve been thinking a lot about recently…

• A couple months ago, I played a show with a number of bands on the bill. One band who came after us I really liked and enjoyed, and I introduced myself after their show, where swapped contact info. Later that night I received an email and they asked if I would be interested in playing with them! I was super excited and spent a lot of time learning all their material, ultimately playing 2 shows with them. Since the last show maybe a month ago, they’ve gone completely quiet. This is code in the LA music circles for they’re not interested and too uncomfortable to tell me directly. All my time was given free.
• After moving to LA I spent a lot of time recording drum parts for a band I was a member of in Santa Cruz who had also moved to LA just after me. The drums parts were complete, and after much waiting for the rest of the parts to be recorded and mixed, and no album apearing, I stopped asking when it might be completed. After my parts were recorded, they actually re-recorded some tracks with someone else in the playing drums and only told me after it was done. The band and I parted ways almost 2 years ago, and there’s been no mention of that album. All my time was given free.
• A couple years ago I was approached by an artist to record drum parts for his album. I found his music to be very different and exciting, so I immediately agreed and set to woodshedding (practicing long and hard) for the recording sessions. It was an awesome experience and he seemed extremely happy with the sound and the performance. Once my parts were completed I was assured the rest of the album would be recorded and done with a few months. Nearly 2 years later after a number of “I’m working on it, it’s nearly done” type emails I’d been told a few weeks ago the final mix is in progress. Then, just a few days ago I received an email telling me a number of the parts have been re-recorded by 2 other drummers and they’ll be replacing me on some tracks. It’s not clear which (if any) might in the end have me on them. All my time was given free.
• I spent a lot of time recording myself and listening back to it. I’m not happy with what I’ve been hearing on the playback because when I play, I just don’t sound how I hear it in my head.

I recently did a number of things anyone who knows me would consider drastic. I quit the bands I was playing in (or talking with about playing in), I quit my drum lessons, I setup curtiscunningham.com and pointed all my web profile stuff at that (instead of drumgit.com), and lost the custom DRUMGIT plate on my car, replaced by a generic plate. I’ve not touched the drums in maybe a month, there’s not even a pair of sticks in my house.

I’m questioning myself and realizing I have some weird identity tied up with the instrument that’s got nothing whatsoever to do with the art of playing drums and music. I’ve lost touch with the essence of what’s it means to play, and have not been honest with how I’m sounding, what I really want to sound like, and the difference between the two. I’ve floated for the last few years without a map or a plan, giving no real conscious direction to what I want to do with drumming and where I want go with it.

Now I’ve played long enough, and spoken to enough other musicians to realize that it’s foolish to think I can just give up. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who could do that and be happy. Once it’s in your blood, it’s hard to shake.

After a few weeks of reflection, I think what I’m doing is giving myself a hiatus, making some space to think about (again) how I play, and why I play. I want to remove the stupid ego, see if I can get back to the heart, art and passion of drumming, find my own voice on the instrument, playing to my own standards. I want to get to play some real, heart felt, passionate notes on the drums without giving a shit who’s listening to me, because it’s about my art, and I should know it’s right without seeking reassurance. I’ll know this because I’m honest with myself. I need to get honest with myself, or reset my expectations. After all, if I don’t like how I sound, how can I expect anyone else to listen to it!?

“They” say.. don’t give up. If you meet a rock blocking your path, then flow round it like water. Evolve, or die.